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3rd August 2003
oh, sweet, sweet satisfaction
I suppose there's something I really need to admit, in writing, if only because I've never done so in this journal before. Very well. : ( Here it is.Collapse )
Father's party was rather a huge success. The students performed some kind of odd aerial tribute on brooms; I had to congratulate Rolanda, it was rather well done. There was much rejoicing...yay...and a fairly stupendous banquet. He seemed very pleased by it all and appeared quite amused when I presented him with the socks.
The students continued their partying indoors, while I slipped outside for a stroll with my adored nurse. I had actually stopped dead in my tracks when I first saw her, because she had her hair down and was dressed not in a nurse's uniform, but a robe of midnight blue. It was all I could do not to ravish her in front of everyone.
I did that later, but only after she said yes.
Out in the garden, I read my latest poem to her and she fairly swooned with delight. Then I pressed a little box into her hands and asked her what had been on my mind for weeks. Once she had answered in the affirmative and allowed me to put the ring on her soft, trembling little hand, we fairly ran back to the dungeon and lost no time celebrating on our own.
An hour or so later, when we were thoroughly dishevelled, she snuggled up in my arms and whispered the words I'd been waiting to hear all my life.I love you, Severus.
Oh, there is no greater joy. There is no sweeter rapture than this, to be loved so exquisitely by so exquisite a creature. Should I die tomorrow, it will be with a smile on my face. Bliss, bliss, unimaginable bliss!
I should write another poem. But later -- some time ago I broke the news to my parents, and they have invited Poppy (precious jewel of my existence
) and myself up to Father's office for a celebratory toast. They seem to approve, and why shouldn't they? The brightest flower of all Britain is to be their daughter.
28th June 2003
grades are in
Much to my bitter resentment, Potter passed. They all passed. That wretched Granger upstart once again walked away with ridiculously high marks, try as I did to take her down a few pegs. :
Father's socks came, but outside of that, very little of remotest interest has occurred, apart from the very interesting trysts I share with Poppy. She is amazing...she is everything...my creative juices are stirred yet again.As a green and silver honeybee
I am drawn to the fragrant flower
That blooms in august majesty
Amid the changing seasons.
Her fragile loveliness is coveted
By the jealous springtime.
The heat of summer is tepid mild
Compared to the blaze she ignites in my blood.
No harvest moon of autumn night
Is worthy of exultation
When held against the white fullness of my blossom.
Even the winter's crystal beauty
Pales beside that of the exquisite
Satin petals of her skin.
In the endless swirl of a thousand seasons,
Should there come one perfect day,
It alone should bear her name...Poppy.
7th June 2003
What the hell?
There are Gryffindor ties in my office. Not just there, but tied to my office chair. Almost like : someone
was engaging in light bondage in MY office. And it wasn't even ME!
I suspect Rolanda may have planted them there just to rile me up. I think she's still a bit miffed that I never asked her permission to dally with Poppy.
But they were Gryffindor ties...what if...
No. Too weird to contemplate.
I gave Poppy that poem I wrote in my last entry. I thought she was going to cry when she read it, she looked so emotional. Then she threw her arms around me and gave me a kiss that almost knocked me senseless, and the next thing I knew we were all but running into the supply closet. Poetry as foreplay, who knew?
Finals are over as of next weekend, and I expect to be too busy until then to write much more. Then we have the old loon's birthday party and the leaving feast, and then good riddance to them all. I expect to be having myself a very enjoyable summer, without student distractions.
26th May 2003
it's been awhile
Well, final exams are coming up, as is Father's birthday. The first week of June are the exams, and then during the few days between the end of exams and the leaving feast is his surprise party. I arranged to buy some heavy wool socks from a supplier in Hogsmeade, which should please him. :
Lucius is still in the dark about Draco and Ginny. We're all better off that way. He's only been up to visit once all month, but Poppy keeps me from getting too lonely.
being busy, something is going on with Rolanda. She's walking around with an expression on her face like the cat who ate the canary. Poppy says they haven't done much together in recent weeks, which means that Hogwarts's resident dominatrix must be getting her jollies elsewhere. I admit I'm curious, but it doesn't really bother me. As long as she's content with whatever else she's got, there's that much more blonde nurse for me.
The other teachers have figured out that there's something between us. If we'd been hiding it before, it pretty much got revealed at the last staff meeting...she was in quite the cuddly mood that day, and who am I to refuse her? Nobody (besides Rolanda) seems particularly concerned about it, though I noticed a few of them appeared to be having gag reflexes.
I don't even care. They can gag until they're blue in the face. I'm happy for perhaps the only time in my whole life, and they can just live with it.
Though...perhaps I should break down and tell her how I feel.Cascading waves of honey, flow
and drench the moon-kissed alabaster skin
of my Venus as she rises.
O perfect pearl of womanhood!
O rapture of my life!
The pinnacle of all desires,
the fire which burns within my heart,
the dazzling agony of a single kiss
before you curl into my arms and sleep,
my ivory queen of darkest night.
4th May 2003
Ah, mundane life.
So little has been of interest lately. Young Miss Weasley's banana-blowing antics in the Great Hall have caused quite a stir among the rest of her schoolmates. The boys tend to make suggestive remarks; the girls are giving her incredibly cold shoulders. I must admit to being fairly impressed by her lack of reaction. She simply marches through the school with the straight-backed, lofty-nosed coolness of a Beauxbatons student. More and more I think she should have been a Slytherin. :
Draco is standing by her quite staunchly. I've turned a blind eye more than once as he threatened to curse an oversexed male who came on much too strongly. He's aware now that I saw his cream-puffilingus that morning at breakfast, and has been making doubly sure to toe the line whenever he knows I'm around, for fear that I might put a bug in Lucius's ear about it.
In other news, Mother is on my case about not forgetting Father's upcoming birthday.
He's only going to be twelve million years old.
As if I could forget it, the way it's being shoved down my throat. She's organizing a massive party and getting the students involved to celebrate. I'm not overly fond of birthday parties -- well, except those involving Poppy and chocolate cake -- but I must admit that Father has been mostly good to me throughout my life, taking me back into the fold after the Death Eater incident and all that, so I suppose I must participate. Perhaps I'll get him some socks; he's always going on about how he never has enough socks. Daft old bat.
22nd April 2003
That little Weasley twit LIED to me. To my face. Without batting an eye. She came right out and lied about having an affair with Draco. :
Damn, she's good. Maybe the Sorting Hat put her in the wrong house.
We were eating breakfast in the Great Hall the other morning, calm as you please. Poppy and I had been up a bit late the night before and I was somewhat tired. So it took me a while to realize what was going on, but the ever-increasing silence eventually caught my attention.
Down at the Gryffindor table, Ginny Weasley was deep-throating a banana. In plain sight. The expression on her face clearly showed that she was teasing someone, so I followed her gaze. It led me straight to the Slytherin table, where Draco Malfoy was countering by getting obscene with a cream puff. It would be hard to say which of them was turning the other on more.
It's not hard to say, however, that Weasley was having a strong effect on the male population. To judge by the flushed faces, the unbuttoning of collars, and the many pairs of eyes that were riveted on that banana, the only male student in the Great Hall who was not impressed by her performance was her brother Ron. He just looked uncomfortable.
The other teachers slowly began to take notice as well, and as soon as she understood what was going on,
Professor McGonagall went striding down the length of the hall to stand behind her chair. "Virginia Weasley!"
I thought the girl would choke, she gagged so hard. Then she pulled the banana out of her mouth, completely INTACT. I have to admit, even I was impressed. There was a collective gasp among the male students, and a round of applause for Weasley as the head of her house shepherded her out of the hall. I glanced at Draco, who saw my expression and immediately ceased his assault on the cream puff. He knows that I know.
I have no intention of telling Lucius, mind. Lucius will simply get upset and angry (possibly at me) and very tense, and when he's tense and annoyed he's absoutely no fun at all. However, I think I'll make a few implications to Draco to set him worrying. Perhaps this Weasley situation can still be rectified.
As soon as I decently could following this display with the banana, I excused myself from the high table. Poppy was not on hand for this particular show, and it left me with a very strong desire to...share. We share a lot, she and I.
28th March 2003
I know that when I first got this diary, I was annoyed and mildly revolted. Well, I couldn't find it during the past week, and it turns out that I've grown somewhat attached to it. I was sadly missing it, not that there was much to tell...Poppy's been busy attending to the injured students, particularly Draco (she said he requested a sponge bath at one point, which amused us both terribly). We did find a bit of time alone on Wednesday night, however, so we could plan Lucius's birthday party. :
Because of all the injuries caused by those ridiculous cats, we had to postpone the festivities. But he's scheduled to be here tonight, and Poppy's got two jars of chocolate frosting all ready to go -- one for the cake, and one for herself. We decided that Lucius's birthday present would be to enter my room and find Poppy, totally coated in chocolate and tied to the bed. The idea appealed to us both so much that we had to test it out ourselves, with yet another jar of frosting. She has a new nickname; I've started calling her 'my little chocolate-covered strawberry.'
This will be one unforgettable party.
18th March 2003
While I don't, ordinarily, object to being used as a chew toy, I object to being used as one by an oversized cat. :
There I was in the dungeon, minding my own business; I was grading papers from the Ravenclaw fourth years and humming a strain of "Disco Duck." Poppy and I had plans for the evening, and I was trying very hard not to look forward to them too much, lest I lose concentration on the task at hand.
Suddenly, there was screaming. And running. And a horrendous shaking of the entire castle. I didn't have a clue what was going on, but I figured I'd better go outside.
And that's when I discovered that the school was being invaded by CATS. Cats, might I add, that apparently had large amounts of Skele-Gro dumped into their drinking water, as they were at least twenty feet tall. Normal catly behavior becomes somewhat terrifying when enlarged on such a scale, and many students (and staff) were fleeing. A few unlucky bastards had been captured by the giant felines, who proceeded to bat them about as though they were mice.
I pulled out my wand (no, the other one) and began to cast a shrinking spell at the nearest cat. Unfortunately, the movement attracted its attention, and it unceremoniously dropped the student it had been assaulting. Then, the brute caught ME in its jaws and proceeded to give me the roughest, most unpleasant tongue bath of my life, purring noisily all the while. I'll keep my blond nurse for such treatments, thank you.
Eventually the cat grew bored with using me as its plaything and dropped me into a tree. At that point, blasted Potter showed up on his broomstick and managed to do what I had been trying
to do, and transfigure them back to normal size. I didn't see where they went, because Miss Granger was assisting me out of the tree (for which I reluctantly had to thank her). I sustained quite a few bruises in the encounter and limped my way to the hospital wing, where darling Poppy was already administering to Draco, who had apparently received similar treatment. I couldn't help noticing the way he was ogling her, and I had to chuckle, thinking just how much like his father he really is.
So our plans for the evening were canceled, as she really does need to look after Draco. And once again, Saint Potter comes off the hero. Just like his first year -- nobody ever knew that *I* was trying to stop Quirrell, even when I wasn't completely sure why he was doing what he was doing. Potter gets all the glory. Good grief, I hate that kid sometimes.
9th March 2003
I was determined to get to the bottom of this whole Draco-Ginny Weasley situation. I knew there was no point in questioning Draco; he would either tell me nothing was happening, or he would just tell me the same things he told his father. Either way, it would accomplish nothing. :
So after her last Potions class, I kept Miss Weasley behind for a few questions. I inquired about extracurricular activities, and she began babbling about Quidditch and how she couldn't play if her grades weren't high enough, and it took a bit of interrupting on my part to shut her up. Next she began to talk nonsense about her midterm project, and it became even harder to stem the flow of words from her mouth.
Finally, I demanded to know what she had been doing with Draco. Immediately her whole aspect changed; she went from a nervous little chatterbox to looking puzzled and, to my infinite annoyance, disgusted. She pointed out that she had apologized for the house-elf incident, and I said I didn't mean that. The more I attempted to get information from her, the more repulsed she appeared. Clearly, the idea of doing anything half so enjoyable as shagging a Malfoy would give this girl nightmares. I finally sent her away, feeling triumphant.
Nothing could possibly have happened between Draco and Ginny. There are three reasons for me to believe this:
1. If Draco is built anything like his father, Ginny wouldn't be able to walk straight for a few days. I'm only able to because of practice.
2. Had Draco actually shagged her, the girl would not be able to score as well on her examination as she did. I mean, she cleared an 85%, which for a Gryffindor is respectable. And there's no way she could be thinking so clearly and calmly if she had been shagged by a Malfoy any time in the previous week. Again, I'm only able to because of practice -- lots and lots of practice.
3. Gryffindors just don't lie very well. It's part of that whole "just and loyal and noble" bit. Slytherins, yes; Slytherins are cunning little blighters and can lie their way out of damn near anything. But Gryffindors? They couldn't fool me.
So now to send an owl to Lucius and let him know what I've determined, and see if we can figure out what Draco really has
been doing. Not that it's not good for him, whatever it is, but because it's obviously distressing Lucius. And a distressed Lucius is not good for me.
it's been a long week
Stunning, really, to realize that the last time I wrote in this thing, I was awaiting Lucius's arrival, and now he's only just left. For the most part, it was a splendidly :
I'm afraid I shocked the old boy when he first came in. I didn't change the record in time, so he was treated to the sight of me in my thong and boa, dancing around to the rhythms of Abba. He was a bit put off, to my disappointment, until I realized that it was only the choice of music which disappointed him. Once I replaced my Abba 45 with a slam-bang album by Def Leppard (who should be taken to task for their hideous spelling), he was much more enthused.
Lucius stayed the night in my chambers, and the following day, while I was teaching, he went into Hogsmeade and, I believe, paid a visit to Poppy in the infirmary. No doubt he wanted to get the details of Draco's prognosis after his extended stay, and perhaps he needed some looking-after himself. I wonder whether Narcissa really attends to his needs at home, though I don't consider it my place to ask. In any event, I'm quite certain he had a better time than I did; for most of the day I had one of the feathers from my lovely boa stuck in my hair. Those miserable Gryffindors kept laughing every time my back was turned. Their house is already in negative points, so I don't know why they insist on lowering the score even further. I overheard Potter and his friends whispering as they left the classroom, something about "he must have a really ugly owl." Ha! If they only knew.
The third day, Lucius finally cornered Draco and insisted that he explain what's been going on with him. Now, I myself was unaware of exactly what Draco has been doing, but I've noticed a marked improvement in his color and his attitude, so I encouraged him to keep doing whatever it was he was doing.
How was *I* supposed to know that it was a who and not a what?
Lucius went into a terrible state of shock, which is when Draco came and found me. I still didn't know what was going on, but I very carefully escorted Lucius up to see Poppy. He kept muttering, "Did you know, Severus? Did you tell him to?" I hadn't the faintest notion what he meant, but I was sure that Poppy could set him to rights in no time.
She did, indeed. At first she was a little puzzled as to why we were both there, but once she saw Lucius's state, she quickly understood. We conferred briefly and decided that another shock, a more pleasant kind, would jolt Lucius back to his senses. She left the room after we had settled him into a comfortable chair; a moment later, she returned in an extremely high-skirted, low-collared Mediwitch robe. I can see why she's called Poppy, because she pops out of damn near every tight little outfit I've seen. She strode over to Lucius and began to murmur in low, soothing tones while gently massaging his shoulders. Gradually, he snapped out of his funk.
"Poppy," I said, "I think I need to speak with Lucius alone for a moment." She nodded and left, but not before blowing me the smallest, most discreet little air kiss I've ever seen. I think I'm in love, but that's not at issue just now.
"What did Draco say, Lucius? You must tell me."
Lucius gulped. "He...Severus, he...he shagged
that Weasley girl!"
I couldn't believe it. I knew -- even if Lucius didn't -- that Draco was quite the little casanova. He takes after his father, from what I've overheard when passing near the Slytherin common room; he likes the boys as well as the girls. And to judge by those whom I've determined to have been his conquests (except for Pansy Parkinson, but I don't think there's a boy in Slytherin who hasn't
had her), Draco is of most discerning tastes. The objects of his interest have all been attractive, and most have even been relatively intelligent.
So what on earth possessed him to go after Ginny Weasley? I don't have anything against the child herself, really; she doesn't irritate me as much as her brothers do, and she seems more or less bright. It's just that Draco, like Lucius, could have absolutely anybody in the school -- so why Ginny?
Lucius was developing that haunted look in his eyes again, so I called Poppy back into the room and we spent the next several hours, ah, consoling him. Later, I assured Lucius that it was either a prank -- Draco was lying to his father -- or, equally possible, he actually did it so he could ruin Ginny's reputation. In any event, he seemed to have recovered well by the time he left school this evening, and I promised to try and keep closer tabs on Draco. I also reminded him that we have an upcoming party for his birthday later this month, and added that Poppy said she'd be quite happy to provide another delicious, sticky chocolate cake.
Damn. If I want to keep my temperature down, I must refrain from using the words Poppy, sticky,
in the same sentence. Oh, well, guess I should head for the hospital wing, since she always knows just how to relieve my fevers.
1st March 2003
Have just received an owl telling me that Lucius will be arriving at the castle this evening. He plans to check on his son and spend some time with me, reminiscing. Considered inviting Poppy to join us, but have decided not to share this time; will make it up to her later. :
Spoke to Mum earlier. I think she suspects something; she said I'm not looking quite as pale as usual. I somehow managed to keep a straight face when I told her that Poppy's Pepperup Potion does wonders for brightening these miserable winter months. I don't know if she knew what I really meant, but she didn't press the issue. Dad, who has a really weird way of knowing almost everything, didn't even mention it; he seems to be of the "don't ask, don't tell" mindset, which is quite all right with me.
I mean, it's not like they're really able to throw stones. They're not even married.
Lucius should be here soon, so I should straighten the place up. I know he's not as fond of disco music as I am, so I went and bought a heavy metal album just for his pleasure. I also bought a new outfit to wear for him, all black leather decorated with little metal spikes. (If he really likes heavy metal, wait til he sees that.) So I need to clean up and change the record and my clothes.
I find it so appropriate that the emblem for Slytherin house is a serpent. Lucius is certainly good at charming my snake.
24th February 2003
I never knew that Poppy was so concerned with how she treats her medical equipment. Of course, being a nurse, she's very emphatic about hygiene and and a sterile environment. So when I brought her my thermometer, she insisted on cleaning it thoroughly. She seemed quite pleased with the instrument and, once it was washed to her satisfaction, she smeared some kind of salve on it which she explained would enhance its performance. Then she slipped it into a container just the right size. :
I don't think the students of this school are properly appreciative of how skillful a nurse they have. I know I certainly never really appreciated her before, but that's all in the past. Poppy's gifts are a real asset to Hogwarts, and I plan to show my appreciation for them as often as possible. Perhaps we can arrange for me to help her in her supply closet in exchange for her assisting me in my ingredients larder; I mean, she's so petite that she needs a helping hand to reach the highest levels. And I would be glad to have her work with my mortar and pestle.
23rd February 2003
I promised Draco that I would personally see to it that the other prefects didn't disturb him when he came to bathe tonight. Since I feel I owe it to Lucius to look after his son's well-being, especially after what those Gryffindors put him through, I'm just about to go and stand outside the prefect bathroom, so I can be sure no one but Draco goes in. :
What was that?
A school owl just swooped into the room. Of all times to get a message...wait, it's from Poppy. It seems that since she has no patients just now, she was doing a routine inspection of her supply closet. Her spare thermometer fell off the shelf and broke, and do I have an extra I could bring to her?
A thermometer? She's interrupting my duties as head of Slytherin house to bring a thermometer up to the hospital wing? Where she's in the supply closet...alone...with no one within earshot...
Well. I suppose that really is more urgent than guarding the bathroom. I mean, it is critically important that she be able to take temperatures. Maybe I should even have her take mine...I sense my mercury is rising even now.
well, that was unexpected
Happy birthday to me, indeed! : ( Surprise, surprise...Collapse )
22nd February 2003
it's a Saturday night and I ain't got nobody
Some birthday. :
Maybe I shouldn't have groused about this diary so much. It turned out to be the only gift I got. Dad wished me well but I guess the diary was a joint present from both parents. Of course the students don't know when my birthday is, and I doubt the rest of the staff cares much.
I think, since it's my day, I should enjoy myself. My favorite thong, the black satin one, is back from the laundry and I've got it on. It seems to have shrunk just a little bit, but I'm not complaining. Tight is nice. I went through my old trunk and found my favorite getup from the Death Eater days -- a long green feather boa, which tickles in just the right spots, and my black leather corset. It was hard to put that on myself; in the old days, there was always someone around to lace me up. But I managed. I pulled on my black boots with the short spike heels and quickly discovered that I've almost forgotten how to walk in them.
A bit of practice set me right. I can even dance now without falling, which is good, because I'm planning to spend the evening with a flagon of mead and some old records. I have to give Muggles credit -- they're pretty useless in some respects, but disco must be the music of the gods.
Happy birthday to me.
I Was a Teenage Death Eater
Thanked Mum for her 'thoughtful' gift. She looked relieved; perhaps she thought she had offended me or something. And really, I don't know what I could have expected of her anyway in terms of presents. It's not like she could go out and get me something I need, like something to keep my bed a little warmer. :
The thing my parents asked me repeatedly when I finally came home was, "Sev, why? WHY did you become a Death Eater? Why did you join them?" I don't even remember what I said. Mumbled something about bad judgement and peer pressure, I suppose. I couldn't tell them the truth. Still can't. But I can tell this diary, I guess, and that's almost like confession. They say confession is good for the soul, so just in case mine is not completely past redemption, I'll indulge.( Not very explicit memories beneath the cut tag, but rather long, hence the cutCollapse )
I'm a grown man, for Merlin's sake. Closer to forty than thirty, in fact; it's young for a wizard, but even so, I'm no teenybopper. And THIS is my mother's idea of an appropriate birthday gift? A bloody DIARY? Even after all these years, Mum still wishes I were a girl. :
I've reached the point in my life where I can accept my parents for who they are. Most people who know them have a great deal of respect for them, even me. There was that dark period when I decided to rebel against everything they stand for, and joined the Death Eaters; that came as a right shock, I imagine, like a slap across both of their evil-fighting faces. It's all in the past, really, we've all forgiven each other and tried to make peace. But it's hard to face them sometimes.
Because deep down, I rather miss those darker days.
I don't think anyone would believe me if I decided to tell them, but the fact is that we had a lot of fun. Not the Muggle-torturing, or the killing; they both had their appeal, but my heart was never really in those things. No, I stayed with the group as long as I did for the extracurricular activities. Let's just say that death isn't the only thing Death Eaters like to eat. Even our master got in on the fun; we didn't call him "master" just because he could obliterate any of us on a whim.
Every now and then, in my dreams, I can still smell the fresh leather.
Maybe this diary thing isn't such a bad idea after all. It's kind of nice to have a place to remember.